Just because I was born with a womb, does not mean that I need to be a mother.
I have briefly touched upon this topic in my post about Why I Didn’t Take My Husbands Name and I am just going to be open and honest about this particular statement. I don’t want children.
It is that simple.
I do NOT want children.
So why is there so much pressure to give reasons as to WHY I don’t want children. When I mention it to anyone, there is often a negative reaction. Very rarely have I met anyone who realises that it is my body and it is my choice not to have children. Often enough – heck, 9 out of 10 times – I get a look of disgust from women and most men tend to make a comment that I really just don’t care for. I have met… I think… 3 other women who feel the same way as I do which is great, because they get the same reactions and questions thrown at them too. So, at least I know I am not alone. I know of a couple of other women who felt the same way and now they are amazing mothers and there is no regret. You never know, this could be me in the future, but I have just never wanted kids.
Sure. I will pick up a tiny outfit and feel a little broody and make comments like “IF I had kids…” but I just don’t see it happening. In all honesty, I never have. As I sit here and think about some of the reasons as to why I don’t want children, there isn’t just one or two, there are many.
Reasons Why I Do NOT Want Children
Here are just a few:
- Terrified at the thought of carrying a human – the idea of labour doesn’t scare me, but the thought of BEING pregnant has always scared me.
- I am selfish – I love the fact that if I have time off, I can do whatever I want and go wherever I want at the drop of a hat.
- I will have to be responsible for someone for the rest of my life.
- It will change EVERY relationship I have with my husband, friends and family and I am scared.
- If anything were to happen to my marriage then I would be alone, like my mother was.
- When I hold a baby or a small child, I have a fear that I will hurt or drop the child.
- A lot of infants are terrified of me and vice versa. They often stop in their tracks and stare at me in horror, often enough… crying.
Many many moons ago, when E and I started dating, I explained to him that I have never really wanted kids and he was fine with that. Sure, he was in his early twenties and fatherhood was probably the last thing on his mind, so of course he would probably agree to it. E even understood that it was my body and my choice and he had no say on what I chose to do with it – how cool is that? He is a man that understands.
Now that he is approaching his mid-thirties, he STILL feels the same. Sure. If I suddenly desired children, I think we could sit down and talk about it and we would be honest and open with each other and our feelings on the subject and he would support me in the decision. E would be a fantastic dad, if you knew him; I think you’d agree. My mother on the other hand, I don’t think she will ever stop asking me for grandchildren.
There are two reasons why my mother asks me for grandchildren every time I speak to her:
- She desperately wants grandkids because she wanted more children of her own but couldn’t.
- She has short-term memory loss that we have to deal with and it is stressful because I can’t get stressed with her for asking me a million times.
I do get easily wound up though when others ask me questions and now I have had to put my foot down and ask people to stop asking me when we are going to have kids. I mean, for all you know, I could be trying and I am struggling to conceive. It is none of your business.
By writing this blog post, I realise that I am making something that is “not your business” your business when I hit that publish button, but it is because I want to make things clear and give the world a little guidance on what you shouldn’t say.
Things NOT To Say To Women Who Do NOT Want Kids.
These are actual statements that people – mostly women – have said to me directly. Most of which have come from family members and loved ones. If you are guilty of saying these things to me, don’t worry; we have probably had several chats about this topic. But if you do not know me personally but have met a woman who has stated that she herself doesn’t want kids, take this guide in to consideration, because you might just piss her off if you don’t.
- What? But you’ll be an AMAZING mum!
- You’ll be pregnant within the first two years of marriage.
- You’ll change your mind.
- When you’re 40, you’ll regret it.
- Don’t you want to be a housewife and a stay-at-home mum?
- It’s just a phase.
- Who will take care of you when you are old?
- Don’t you want something of your own to love?
- Every woman should experience childbirth.
- You biological clock is ticking.
- You aren’t getting any younger.
- Why not?
- I feel sorry for you because your life will not feel fulfilled without children…
That last one winded me. A friend’s partner with two children said this to me. I stood there in utter shock and just walked away because I just couldn’t believe what my ears just heard.
I am very passionate about this topic because it happens a lot to me. You just don’t know the reasons behind mine, or anyone else’s choice not to have children and we do not have to tell you, I am just being open about mine.
Now, this is not a hateful post towards parents out there because I have friends in my life who have children that bring me so much joy and love. The day my best friends baby was born, I held her in my arms (with fear of dropping a new born) and I cried. I felt a wash of love and felt a duty to protect this tiny little human. I would kill for her and her baby sister. I see them as my nieces and I refer to them as my babies all the time. So I really don’t need any of my own right now, because I have them and I am okay with that.
The thing is, I could change my mind. In the future, I could realise that a child is missing from my life and I need to do something about it before my biological clock has run out, but until then I am happy to live with the choice not to have any children.
I want to know if you are in the same boat as me? Or if you can’t wait to have babies or even if you already have a baby. I want to know your thoughts and feelings on this subject. Let’s be real. Let’s talk.